아직 어리다는 증거는,
그래도 아직 20대라는 증거는,
불확실함 속에서도
모든 걸 얻으려고 도전한다는 것이다.

그러나 지금은,
30대의 한가운데에 서 있는 지금은,
고집스럽고 집요한 도전보다는
눈 앞에 놓여진 현실에
지독하게 집착하고 있다.

모든 걸
너무 쉽게
놓아버리려하는 건
그다지 어리지 않다는 것일까?
아니면,
너무 어려서
세상과 싸울 여력이 없는 것일까?

앞으로는 더 이상 실망하지 않을거다.
왜냐면,
이젠 더 이상 기대하는 것도, 바라는 것도,
아무 것도 남아있지 않기 때문이야.

더 이상 실망시키지마. 부탁이다.

Last week, I met one of my Vietnamese students in order to talk about the publicity video for the new-coming students in Vietnam. At the end of the conversation, she was angry a little bit and asked me. “Sir, why do you just say one or two words, when you talk to us (Vietnamese)?” I was somewhat surprised and embarrassed. I quickly answered back that I have never done that before. But she continuously asked me. “No, your English is totally different and speak very well, when you speak with Russian students or American professors.”

Was it? Did I? Right after I said goodbye to her, I just thought about the conversations that I made with Vietnamese students. She was right! I had a terrible prejudice, bias, and stereotyping to the Vietnamese students. Because of their strong and unusual accent (it may be unusual only to me), I just felt that their English is not perfect whenever I talked with them. What makes worse is that I was forced unintentionally to use easy words and short sentences all the time. In addition, when I talked to them in English, it is even less burdensome than I talk with people from English-speaking countries. However, I always tried to find out the proper words, whenever I speak with native English speakers.

Does it mean that the native English teachers are much better and more beneficial than nonnative English teachers, especially when students learn the competence of “Speaking”? I do not agree with this idea. Also, “which one is better, native or nonnative, in English language teaching” has been controversial among scholars. Reflecting on my experiece with Vietnamese students, I can’t erase the idea that native teachers may be even better than nonnative teachers. Nevertheless, teachers’ and students’ attitude toward both of them is the point that I must not ignore. In other words, teachers’ rash judgment, such as the prejudice, the bias, and the stereotyping to their students, can change their stuedents into good one or bad one, and vice versa.

Y told me, “If you really want to help somebody, you have to be physically and mentally strong enough (not to be knocked down, not to be discouraged, and not to be hurt).” And she’s right. I am not that strong!

After I met “THIS”, I just feel that things are getting more difficult, more confused, and even worse. I know that life goes on in this way all the time. But in order to get out of these shit things, I am addicted on it more and more and much more rely on the ridiculous power of this shit. I hate me, myself, and mine much more than anybody else. What did I do wrong? Things are getting worse.